Conducted by Mike C.
Like most of you out there, I first met Julia through the mail. As time went by, we started going to shows together in the St. Louis area and became great friends. She is easily one of the most dedicated people I know when it comes to the underground scene.
Does anyone reading this know her whereabouts? I miss you Julia! (Mike-2005)
The Outcast: What are your opinions on religion?
Julia: Well, I believe that this is a question thatís hard to answer without sounding like every other maggot in the scene today, meaning that, yes, I am anti-Christian. I think that religion is something man made up in the hour of despair/hopelessness, something that can give him hope and strength, which is totally fine by me when it is held within reasonable proportions and is pretty private. All the Bible-pushing, TV sermons, etc. is NOT true religion in my opinion, just something that got way out of hand, has been mass-fed to the public and something that has never, and never will, make sense to me. I have a lot of respect for those with deep, personal faith. I am not going to run around bashing true believers, mostly because they never provoke such attacks- they just keep to themselves, firmly believing in what they choose to believe. Whenever you see me "attack" Christianity, you see an attack at those who made it so public, commercialized, and who are arrogant enough to say that this is the only way to live. Thatís bullshit. The same goes for any devil worshiper. This shit has become so trendy and I think that most of the time it isnít even a religion, although, of course, there are exceptions, but just like I said before-these people tend to keep it personal, because this is something very special to them. In most cases, especially with younger people, it is simply a way to rebel against the society.
The Outcast: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?
Julia: I wish I was more constant...I get tired of things too fast, heh.
The Outcast: If you could change only one part in History, either in your life, someone elseís, or an event, what would you change and why?
Julia: I would like to pinpoint the time at which religion became so dominant as to command peopleís action, and change it somehow. I donít really know if it would be possible, but itís the thought that counts, ha, ha. I seriously think that when religious maniacs come into power, the advancement of humanity, especially in its scientific aspect, slows down drastically. If it werenít for all those idiots ruling in Europe in both the Dark and the Middle Ages, I think weíd be far more advanced. This is what I regret. One of my favorite subjects is outer space and anything that has to do with space exploration. And starting with the greatest, most trivial (to us, who live in the 20th century) discoveries like Galileoís solar system all the way up to the Big Bang theory, religion was always there to confront and slow down the thinkers. Galileo was under a lifelong house arrest after he discovered that the Earth is not the center of the universe, and even Professor Steven Hawking had to struggle with the church officials because they were not pleased with his theories. To me, it is one of the most frustrating points. Religion should not be allowed to control other peopleís thinking.
The Outcast: What are your beliefs on Satan and God? Do you think they are actualbeings? Why or why not?
Julia: I am an atheist. I do not believe that there is either God or Satan. First of all, the whole idea of the world being created by some old man in white robes with a halo above his head sounds pretty far out to me. I am one to support the Big Bang theory, when it comes to the creation of the world, and Darwin when it comes to evolution. Second, the idea of someone who can interfere in our "earthly" lives (be it God with his "rewards" or "punishments" or Satan with his "temptations" and what not) just does not cut it for me. I have achieved what I have now through myself alone, and all my problems have been caused only because I did so- not because I hear some sweet talk from a little devil on my left shoulder: "Do this, Julia: do that, Julia," I am responsible for everything thatís happened or will happen in my life. So no, I do not believe in either God or Satan. I have toyed with both Christian and Satanist beliefs when I was in my mid-teenage years, but it just never made sense to me. That stuff just didnít fit what I am.
The Outcast: What is evil to you?
Julia: Evil to me would be killing someone just because you wanted to. Most evil stems form people who need to be aware of their own strength and power and who do it by harming innocent people.
The Outcast: What is your #1 philosophy in life?
Julia: Live and let live.
The Outcast: Why do you think people go from one extreme to another? For example from a Satanist to a Christian or vise-versa.
Julia: I really cannot answer this question because I asked it a lot of times to myself. Having experienced it during my teenage years, I still cannot find the answer to what exactly guided me. Life is a long learning process and every individual is on the quest to find themselves. I personally think that it is a good thing. Those who think they know themselves must be pretty shallow. How can you find your "truth" without experiencing the opposite to what you will eventually call truth?
The Outcast: What is your opinion on morals?
Julia: Morals to me are nothing more than your own conscience. When someone preaches about "societyís morals," or the morals of someoneís country- I couldnít care less. Every society, and every time period has had their own morals which are different from what we are used to here and at this day and age. Another personal thing imposed upon a mass of people. I have my own morals which are commanded strictly by my own way of thinking, and I think it should be like that with everyone. A lot of people also abuse this whole morality thing. For instance, take the cover of one of the issues of Time magazine, the cover story was the war in Kosovo, and the cover featured a group of refugees, with the close-up on a woman who was breast feeding her baby. I thought it was a very powerful image that could signify both the suffering people and their per severity. But there were actually people who wrote in saying that the cover was "immoral" and "vulgar." What the fuck??? I mean, can those people actually think for themselves and see beyond the obvious? And no matter what, there will always be people like that. America is a very strange country in that sense. While claiming to be the land of the free, it is a country that oppresses its people constantly with either subliminal or open propaganda, rules, and religion, and using the word "morals" as their weapon.
The Outcast: Youíre walking down the street and a Christian walks up to you and hands you a flyer that reads, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart? And begins to talk to you about his beliefs.
A) Do you calmly tell him sorry but you have different beliefs and begin to talk about each others beliefs over a nice hot cup of coco.
B) Walk away and say nothing.
C) Tell him to fuck off and die.
Julia: I would tell him "Sorry, but we have different beliefs" and walk away. Talking about personal beliefs-over a cup of coffee or not-never leads anywhere, but only brings frustrations to both sides. Something like; "how can she/he be so stupid to believe in something other than me? And that is a pretty silly line of reasoning and absolutely no grounds for trying to make people see what it is that you yourself believe. Who cares? Most people who engage in such things are either mad fanatics or selfish morons who just have to have their side heard. Petty.
The Outcast: For one day you have Godís power, what do you do with that power?
Julia: If I am ever God, Iíd destroy the image myself.
The Outcast: What do you hope to find after death?
Julia: I truly believe that death is just what it is. Death. Before you are born, you do not exist. When you die, you go back to non-existence. I think that our conscience is the information that comes to our brain through the five senses: touch, smell, sight, hearing, and a sense of taste. When you die, your brain dies, and it is no longer able to process all this information, so lights out for you, heh, heh. I know that a lot of people think that there must be something after death; they are still a little uncomfortable thinking that once you die you just cease to exist. I donít know, itís pretty comfortable to me. I hope to find absolutely nothing after death.
The Outcast: Well, what about ghosts? Where do they come from? Are they not the souls of those who died? My mother and step-father saw my great grandmother after she died. How do you explain that?
Julia: Well, I have never in my life seen a ghost, so I cannot really comment on it, especially since I havenít really thought about this subject. The way that I could look at it is there are a lot of unexplained things in mature, and sometimes our minds play tricks on us, especially if we have been affected by something very deeply in our lives. This is just a theory thrown together here, ha, ha; donít take it as one of my deep beliefs! I donít, however, believe that "ghosts" are the soul of the dead. Sometimes in life we form deep attachments to others, be it a positive psychological one or a negative. When those people who we loved or hated are gone, it think it is only natural for our minds to "bring" them back to us in very strange ways, even if they are nothing but memories, or fantasies. I am in no way dissing anyone who believes in ghosts, but the things is, I myself have never seen one, and therefore have not given it much thought. But to sum this up, I think I will always prefer to look for a scientific explanation of something before turning to the spiritual side of it.
The Outcast: What are your beliefs on Murder? Rape? Eye for an eye? Turn the other cheek?
Julia: It is definitely eye for an eye to me. I think things like that should not be left unpunished. Only cowards practice the whole "turn the other cheek" bullshit, and they do it because they are cowards, not because Jesus told them so, or whatever. For instance, if someone murdered someone close to me, or raped me or my mother/sister/friend, whatever, I would be able to "forgive" only after they got what they deserve. Rapists should have their dick and balls cut off in front of people like they do in one of the Middle Eastern countries-that will teach both him and any potential offenders. I have pretty harsh views on the whole justice system as well, and I totally despise soft-core prison systems. Those who inflict sufferance should experience it back.
The Outcast: I hate to get personal, but what was your childhood like? (Example: Divorced parents, alcoholics in the family, abuse, or any other negative aspects that humanity tends to unleash upon other human beings.)
Julia: I have wonderful supportive parents to whom I owe what I am today. They never infringed on my freedom to do anything and even encouraged me to do it. Middle and junior high school is something I would like to forget about because I couldnít stand most of my peers there, but I did enjoy school a lot during my last two years. My parents put me in a private school where I could finally concentrate on my education and didnít worry any more about being called a "weirdo" or any other words that described my unconventional way of thinking. Most of my friends were people outside of school and older then me by 3-4 years. Ironically most of them were guys, too. I get along better with guys because I think 90% of women are weak-minded fools.
The Outcast: Were you ever "forced" to attend Church growing up? If so, what was it like and what religion/denomination was it?
Julia: I grew up in Russia, and Communism was still in charge during my childhood. Religion was not widespread because it had been oppressed by the government. So it should come as no surprise that the majority of people were atheists. My great-grandmother is the only person in the family who carried her faith with her during the years of oppression, although her family suffered greatly because of it in the early 1920ís (the male side of the family was pretty much exterminated because they were unwilling to give up their ways.) So no, I was never forced to go to church. Religion was barely mentioned in our household.
The Outcast: What have your experiences been like with Christianity, if any?
Julia: Well, when I was 15 years old there was a pretty tough personal situation in my life. I did not feel comfortable to go to my parents with it, so a friend advised me to go to church and "talk to god." Now that I think of it, it was a pretty silly thing for me to do, but I gave it a shot. I felt really uncomfortable doing so, because it was the first time that I ever turned to the spiritual side of life, so to speak... Unfortunately, the whole thing ended up with me being kicked out of the church, because I was going through a rather confusing period in my life; the whole incident left me pretty upset and shaken, and that is when I really started to question religion. The reason they kicked me out was very mundane and stupid: I was wearing jeans, not a skirt, as the Christian orthodox church demands. Bah, whatever. I never thought that what you wear defines your faith, you know? I did try some other church, but I left soon after because it seemed so fake to me. My friend was a member of that church and she even got baptized there. Poor thing, you can imagine her frustration when one day she got a call from a fellow church-goer telling her that the preacher who baptized her was arrested for child-molestation and drug trafficking. Even though I felt sorry she had to experience it, I was already dead set against Christianity or any other religion for that matter, so that incident only confirmed my thoughts about how fucked up religion is and what happens when wrong people get to manipulate others with it. (You canít blame religion, Christianity, God, or a faith, on what people choose to do. As one person put it with the Catholic Church, priests donít become pedophiles, pedophiles become priests. - Mike - 2005)
The Outcast: Do you think people have a right to voice their opinion about a religion, or a "religious" belief without actually experiencing it?
Julia: No, they do not have the right to do so. Just like with music: a lot of people attack other bands before they even get a chance to hear them, only because everyone else around them does. That is a perfect example of the sheep mentality and conformity. When people blast something, the best thing to do is to ask them whether or not they have actually experienced whatever it is they are blasting. Most of them either shut up immediately, or start attacking you, which is funny, because when you bring some intelligent arguments into the conversation itís like as if you are talking to a wall. That is when you start ignoring those kinds of people.
The Outcast: What was your life like before you got into metal? (Examples: thoughts, personal beliefs on God/Satan if any, etc.)
Julia: I donít remember... I got into metal when I was 11 years old or so, and by now it seems like itís always been that way...Damn it Mike, ask easier questions! Iím gonna have to go get hypnotized just so that I can tell you what it was like, ha, ha. "You are getting sleepy...your eyelids are getting heavy...You are now back to when you were 9 years old..."
The Outcast: Do you believe that metal is actually the Devilís music? Why or why not?
Julia: No, I believe that metal is the music that appeals to most peopleís primal instincts as well as their darker sides, which a lot of people mistakenly call "the devil."
The Outcast: Would you agree or disagree that metal, maybe not so much the music, but the contents/subjects that the bands sing/scream/growl about are pretty negative? What about other styles of music?
Julia: Of course they are negative. You cannot be in a metal band and sing about flowers. A lot of times, especially for artists, this is the way to release their negative feelings without having to suppress them or going out and killing a bunch of people, so when people who try to accuse metal of being filled with negative lyrics, present those kinds of arguments to me, I totally agree with them. Itís negativity baby, yeah! Other styles of music... I am sure you have so called gangsta rap in mind. I never really listened to it, but I am sure rap artists will be the first to admit that their lyrics are negative as well.
The Outcast: Do you think that by listening to lyrics about death, destruction, gore, Satan, the death of all that is holy, sexually contents, etc... can influence someoneís state of mind? Maybe making their lives/mood/state of mind a bit negative because theyíre exposed to it everyday if theyíre heavily into a style of music that tends to talk about negative subjects?
Julia: If they are so weak and stupid as to let it actually influence them, then yes, I guess listening to lyrics about death and destruction indeed can influence their mood or state of mind. The only effect that SOME (and I emphasize the word "some" because MOST (and I emphasize the word "most" because not all of them, ha, ha, ha) lyrics in metal are rather weak and downright silly. Other lyrics inspire me to be more creative. But I think most people will agree that they like metal primarily for the power and strength of music. I do not mean to say that I ignore the lyrical side of metal. However, the music is the first thing that I pay attention to initially.
The Outcast: Do you think that Christian metal can actually exist? Do you think that it is a contradiction, metal and Christianity being in the same sentence? The whole "life style" that metal is categorized under (Ex: Sex, Drugs, Violence, etc...)
Julia: Yeah, I think it is somewhat of a contradiction, but I never really bothered to delve deeper into it. I have only heard a couple of Christian metal bands, but their music never really touched me. Combined with lyrics about "Lordís grace" or "power" or whatever, it just sounds unconvincing at the least. Ha, ha, ha, the other day I heard about a white metal band. I laughed my ass off, actually... They take black metal, write some Bible-inspired, preachy lyrics and call it white-metal. I have yet to hear their music, but the idea itself is rather, um...cheesy, is the word I am looking for.
The Outcast: In your opinion do you believe that evil can be used for good and good for evil?
Julia: Well again, it comes down to the exact meaning of what exactly "evil" is. I guess "evil" can be used to teach the more naÔve people to always be on their guard. I think that "evil" creates a nice balance in life. What would happen to this world if evil did not exist? I know, it would be a utopian world, but letís think about it. Letís say this world is perfect, and people are happy to procreate, etc. Soon you have problems like overpopulation. I donít know about you, but I think I would be wishing for some "evil" to happen then: be it an earthquake, a way, a plague, or whatever. Can good be used for evil? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Enough said.
The Outcast: What is your definition of a hypocrite?
Julia: "Do as I say, donít do as I do" is the principle upon which hypocrisy is based. To me it also extends a bit further though: a hypocrite is also someone who says one thing to your face and then says something completely different when you are not around.
The Outcast: Would you say that a lot of Christians and Satanist alike, are very judgmental, critical, and closed minded towards each others beliefs? Do you think thatís normal/human for a lot of people?
Julia: When you are within a group of people, be it a Christian or Satanic organization, there are always set rules. Organizations cannot survive without some kind of discipline or a bunch of basic rules they must abide. So of course, they will have judge-mental or critical feelings towards those who are outside of their group. It is normal, yeah, but itís also rather pointless. I will be the first to admit that my ranting against Christianity doesnít do a damn thing, so I am wasting my time doing so, but oh well. It should be very strange for a person to not be critical of things in life, though. Not to be critical of something can mean either an absence of opinion or apathy. Both are pathetic, in my opinion.
The Outcast: What has been your favorite name that other people have called your zine?
Julia: Ha, ha, ha, well, it was all started by you, Mike, when you addressed one of your letters to "Arrows of Apples", or some shit. After that there was all kinds of abuse I got from my friends; "Errors of Malice", "Arrows at Grisly", "Pieces of Grisly", Arrows from Alice", "Rows of Pickles", and the most brutal one, done by Von Young of Deaden; "Anus of Phallus." What can I say? I love to be abused, ha, ha!!
The Outcast: Have you had any disappointments doing your zine? Was it everything you expected it to be?
Julia: Yeah, I have had my share of disappointments while doing the Ďzine, but nothing that can turn me away from continuing it. Feeling as though no one cares as to what you do, being broke, dealing with morons in the underground, and being buried in mail are some of the things I would rather do without. But at the same time, I think, those kinds of things build up character, too. Anyway, whatever the disappointment may be, the rewards are always more important in the end.
The Outcast: What has been your greatest accomplishment with the Ďzine, if any?
Julia: Putting an issue out, ha, ha!!
The Outcast: What are some of your favorite bands?
Julia: Two of my favorite bands are most definitely Darkthrone and Corpse Vomit. Another band that fucking blew me away recently is Louisianaís Catholicon. Check them out if you have a chance, they play amazing black/death with some doom elements and very intelligent lyrics. I also love Satyricon, Isengard, Nevermore, Aeternus, Holy Moses, early Grave, early Slayer, old Metallica, Anthrax (I was disappointed with "Volume 8" though), Dismember, Dodheimsgard, Carcass, Twin Obscenity, Sadus (Steve is fucking amazing), Atheist, Deaden, Myself, Stench< Groinchurn, Darkmoon, Anasarca, and more. Out of non-metal stuff I really like Dead Can Dance, music like that off the Conan the Barbarian soundtrack, The Doors, Janis Joplin and Pink Floyd.
The Outcast: What has been your favorite interview?
Julia: I would have to say either Corpse Vomit or Enmortem. I was pretty wasted during the Enmortem interview and Elisabeth of Nox Vomica was also there. The tape is hilarious!
The Outcast: Any closing words?
Julia: I have new socks on.