By: Mike Coles
How many people have you ever told, "I love you"? What is it about this phrase that makes you feel really good? Makes you feel like that person saying it is lying through their teeth? Makes you feel like they don't really know what that phrase means because they say it so much and it just sounds so cliché? Or just makes you feel uncomfortable?
What is love to you? A hug? How a person holds you? What the person is saying to you? Lots and lots of hot and steamy "love" making? What?
I've had a few relationships in my life, and I recall saying that phrase to just about all the girls I dated, but why? Did I truly love them as much as I had said? Or did I just want to get in their pants? How do you know that you really love that person enough to commit yourself to them? One of the problems with my relationships, well except for the ones where I knew that it wasn't love, is that every time that I would date a certain individual; I would always give it my 100%. My 100%? I always opened myself to getting hurt by committing myself to them as if we were married, which was always a mistake, due to the fact that I would either scare them away, or the other party never looked at the relationship as I did.
What about sex? Do love and sex have something in common? This story you are about to read is a reflection of my past relationships that involved this popular phrase and not to mention lots and lots of sex, and how these relationships helped me gain knowledge to where I'm at today. The thing that sucks is the fact that I'm 24, and it took me this long to figure out what exactly I was doing wrong. Oh well, at least I learned, but yet seem to make some of the same mistakes, which sucks.
I can recall the numerous "relationships" I had while growing up in Mexico and in Houston. The thing that makes me laugh every time I think about it is the first time I kissed. Can you remember your first kiss? Maybe I can't recall the first kiss I ever laid on someone, but I do recall the first time I kissed a person using my tongue. The good ol' "French kiss", "tonsil hockey" or whatever you want to call it. The fact is, is that I just stood there with my mouth wide open while my arms were to the side just hanging there, while the girl was swirling her tongue deep and around in my mouth. "How gross!" I recall thinking to myself while this unusual "thing" was happening to me. Why unusual? I was only 8 years old, that's why. What is it about certain people experiencing these adult situations at such a young age, while others do not experience these things until in high school, or after? I don't know, luck? Whatever the reasons behind my experiences, I'm somewhat glad they happened because I think it is neat being able too share them with people who have either had some of the same experiences, or are still yet to experience the weirdness, the sadness, the laughter, the risks, etc.. that many relationships are subjected to. Instead of sharing all my relationships, I'm just going to talk about the ones that had strong impacts on my growth process.
Who can recall the first time they had sex? I'm sure everyone who has tasted this powerful force, can recall each and every time they did this, with the partner they were with at that period in time. Unfortunately, I'm no angel, and have experienced this powerful force many, many times. But why? Because once you "taste" this force, you will get hooked on it like the worst drug on the face of the planet. You will want to experience this force as much as possible. Well, at least I did.
The first time I had sex was very sad and pathetic thinking back on it. Why? Well, first of all, I didn't even really know the person, and second, I didn't love this person. Sure, who needs love when it's all based on sex, right? Yeah, sure, you could say this, and have all the sex you want, as many times as you want, with as many people as you want, and heck, why not have orgies? But where does it all lead? To everything you do, there will be a consequence, which can either be good or bad. Looking back at my experiences and relationships, all the ones that involved sex, turned out to have a negative outcome. Why? Sure I got "lucky" and was able to release this source of energy that was inside of me, but it could have waited. It was my choice to have sex with the girl I lost my virginity to. I could have said "No.", but I didn't. Maybe it was because this powerful feeling was blinding me to what was actually about to happen. I was about to experience the most powerful thing in the world. A unification of sorts. A unification of mind, flesh, and soul, and boy did it feel good. So good, that every time I thought about it, I just wanted it more and more. How could I deny something so human? Something many people that have tasted can relate to I'm sure.
But was this and all my other relationships based on sex? I guess that can only be answered if you actually stop and think about the relationship you are in. How often do you talk about it? What are your normal activities when you're around this person? Do you both look for opportunities to be alone so you can get down? Yeah, sex is great, but why get lost in it?
So after my first encounter with the flesh, and after this relationship ended, what did I do? I looked for a new girlfriend. So I could "lucky"? To tell you the truth, yes.
The second relationship I had, that I had wanted to involve this newly found desire, was with this girl in Houston. Fortunately however, she never had sex with me. I tried, I tried real hard, and I never got anywhere with her. But why? Up to this day I sometimes think back and wonder why she never had sex with me. I did everything for her and even told her I loved her like all the others in the past, but yet she never gave in.
The only thing I can think of is that I was to "forceful" on her. I was only 15, so I'm sure I didn't go about doing it the right way. I was inexperienced on making the first move; due to the fact my first encounter with the flesh was a "forced" one. Imagine a 14 year old :innocent" boy, lying in bed, when suddenly the other person involved suddenly takes their nightgown off and plunges themselves on to them, which in this case was me. That was my first experience with sex, so logically; I assumed I was to do the same. Boy was I stupid! This "relationship", this experience, was the first thing that molded me to what I still hold today. I never make the first move. Why? Well, after that experience, I became somewhat "shy", and decided to just take it slow. I never really had the urge to
actually date anyone after this experience, due to its negative results.
A couple of years passed and I started dating this girl from Anna. Anna? But didn't I live in Houston? My dad and some of my other family and friends lived in Anna, so I went to Anna every summer to visit them. I had this long distance relationship with this girl my sister introduced me with for about a year and then decided to break up with her because I figured she wanted to date someone closer to her. Sounded logical to me, so I didn't date anyone for awhile, but later on that school year my mom informed me that we were moving to Ironton, Missouri, where my step-father had grown up at. I was so upset with my mother for several reasons that I decided to move to Anna and live with my father. Can you ever guess what happened? Weeks later, I hooked back up with the girl I had dated while I lived in Houston.
I can honestly say she was truly my first love. We always "messed" around during our relationship, but we never had sex until after a year that we had been together. We were both "experienced" with sex, but we both wanted to wait to make sure we loved each other enough to partake in this overrated teenage experience. Well, I think we wanted to wait, or it could have been that I was too shy to make the first move and then she finally got tired of waiting?
During our 4 years of bonding, our last year together was pretty bad-off (it really sucked!). We were both having some problems, mainly due to my moody, crazy self. But whoever said I was perfect? I was having a lot of conflict within myself on what was wrong and what was right and where I was going with my confused self. So after a while, she got sick of me and decided to split. After so many years together, and sharing so many sexual and non-sexual experiences, you can pretty much say that my heart was totally crushed, consequence number one. During that difficult period, I wasn't sure if she was cheating on me or not. I just recall her going over to her newly found friends house a bit more often, and then later, after she broke up with me, she ended up dating this guy that lived there, so who knows? But the fact is that I found out later she was pregnant with this guys baby.
Pregnant? Baby? Ah, yes, a consequence to this thing called sex, "love making", etc... There are other words to describe this popular activity, but I'm sure we all know them by now. How many people do you know have gotten married for the fact they were about to produce another human being into this world (like we need more unwanted children in this world), their own flesh and blood? Getting married for the wrong reasons, not love, but because they did something "naughty" and the consequences for their deed was a child that will be born into (more than likely) an unloving home. My sister for example, she partook in this activity with this guy she thought she loved and whom supposedly loved her. What happened? The bloody jerk left her, another consequence. Are you man enough to commit the "crime", pay the penalty, and stay with the person you are with? Are you woman enough to deliver your child, or are you going to kill/abort this child? These are serious consequences I ignored, and many today ignore as well. Oh, but wait Mike, how about condoms, or the pill, or whatever else they have out there that pretty much say it's "cool", or "legit" to have sex? Do you know how many people I know who have had babies because the pill wasn't good enough, or due to
the condom breaking? Nothing is guaranteed in life to work, just abstinence.
To make a long story short (going back to my first love), 3 months later we hooked back up, and we worked things out because we still loved each other. But I decided a month before the baby was born that I didn't want to be a father yet, especially to someone else's child (although I was in the delivery room when their baby was born and I also went to lamas classes with her). We still remained friends and dated off and on, but it was never the same, so after a brief while I finally decided to call it quits, this time for good. Shortly after we ended it, she returned to her baby's father, ended up marrying the guy, and had another kid with him. Maybe it was meant to be for them? (She is still with the guy. - Mike - 2006). This was the beginning in seeking out my true love.
Days later, I met my other "relationship"/experience, which I will not get into details, except for that this "relationship" was very immature and quite dumb thinking back on it, only consisting of sex, and thinking back on it, was pretty much just a sexual experience for the both of us. No real commitments, due to the fact I later found out she was having sex with who knows how many other people. Oh yeah, how could I forget her father catching us? Talk about suckin! He wanted to kill me, and put me in jail; consequence number two. After we broke up, months later she ended up getting pregnant by this fellow who kept saying their kid was mine. Whatever! Oh, I also told this girl I loved her.
After a year or so, I met another person that I later ended up dating. This relationship was the second longest and actually one of the best relationships I ever had growing up. Not only because of all the experiences we shared, but this person was actually one of the most intelligent people I had ever met/dated. She taught me many things, and because of this and the fact that she was sincere on who she was and what she was about, all this made it the best. What happened in this relationship that was part of my growth experience? I learned many things in this experience, but I will only talk about two of them.
The biggest thing I learned from her was one of the most important things in my development. I remember this event like it was yesterday. I remember looking up at her while she was standing on the stairs and I said those overused words; "I love you." She looked right at me and she said, "No you don't, we've only been going out for 2 weeks, how could you say that already?" You talk about a shock treatment! That statement had me thinking and dwelling like never before. I started thinking about love and asked myself if I really had meant it the way it had sounded.
Was it love? Love can mean different things too different people. The dictionary I have defines love as: affection; strong liking; goodwill; benevolence; charity; devoted; attachment to one of the opposite sex; passion; the object of affection. My friends that I lived with have this portrait on their wall with these sayings; love is kindness, love is patience, love is not envy, love is not rude, love does not boast, love is not proud, love is always helping, love always trusts, and love never fails. I can agree with all of these things, but love to me, as I have practiced it, is going out of your way for others, lending people money when they needed it, taking them to concerts, buying them alcohol without even realizing what I was doing or thinking about the consequences, listening to their sorrows, or any other things they shared with me, and I sharing my life with other people, no matter what it was. So love, as we can see, is somewhat of a complex thing, but I'm sure we all know that by now. So the question remains; "did I love her as much as I had said that I did?" You know, thinking back, and looking at all my relationships, except for my first love, I don't really think I loved her, or any of the other ones I had dated, at least for the right reasons anyway.
The second thing I learned from her, which I already knew, but unfortunately did, is that cheating hurts. What exactly is cheating? It could mean different things, but the most common one, (Hey Bill C.) is having sex with someone else rather than with the person you/they are "committed" to. I had always encountered relationships where the person I was with was cheating on me. So why did I do this act upon someone I claimed I loved? Thinking back, I don't really think she knows the real reasons behind my crime. The first reason was for the fact that she would mention from time to time that she wanted to see other people besides me. I have always been an all or nothing type of guy, so you can imagine how I felt when she brought this up, so I figured what the heck, she didn't love me. The other reason, which is dumber than anything else I've ever done in my life, was for the fact that I wanted to break another commandment; you shall not commit adultery. Yes, I had sex with a married woman, and all of you reading this who know me personally, it wasn't Tammy Kennedy. This was a period in my life where all I wanted to do was blaspheme God in all possible ways, and that was one step closer to breaking all the commandments. But, that's another story I will share with you at a later date (read Finding Mikey, also featured in this issue).
Like I mentioned before, every choice has a consequence, which can always either be positive or negative. My consequence for this individual sin is that there isn't a day that goes by without that negativity hitting me and how she must feel; consequence number three. I had never done that to anyone, and I truly regret doing that to her. I see her from time to time, and up to this day, I just can't look into her eyes without feeling like a big inconsiderate jerk. Sure you can forgive, but you will never forget. I just wish she knew how sorry I truly am. The only positive outcome to this experience is that I can truly say that it will never happen again.
My next "relationship"/experience sucked a big one. There was always talk about this individual in Anna, but I didn't care. Every small town has talk, and believe me when I say that I've had my share, and still do for that matter. All I will say bout this experience is that she ended up getting pregnant by someone else and she tried putting the blame on me; consequence number four. How do I know it isn't/wasn't mine? Well, no one is going to know they're pregnant 3 days after you've had sex with them, no one! So, after I dumped her, she started spreading rumors about me saying that I got her pregnant and that I didn't want anything to do with her or the baby; consequence number five. So all this garbage was spreading about me, and for what, because of my little hormone problem? Also to add to the talk, she gave me crabs; consequence number six. Have you ever had little critters in the crotchal area? Well, believe me when I say it sucked/sucks! I remember itching all the time and not knowing why, until one day I saw them crawling around, aarrghh! Oh, but wait! This was the first person I never said "I love you" to. I actually knew what I was doing, even if it wasn't the right thing, yahoo!
This next experience was one of the strangest I had ever encountered. Well, not really strange, just really unhealthy for the both of us. Have you ever found that someone and thought, "This is the woman I'm going to marry."? Well, I had truly thought I had finally found "the one." She waited to hear "I love you" from me, and I never told her that phrase until weeks later. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I had found "the one" I was going to spend the rest of my life with; she was like finding my first love all over again. But what happened? I broke up with her after almost 2 months of happiness / confusion. Confusion? A lot of things were happening to me at the time, and I felt like I had to break up with her so I could "fix" some of the things that felt I needed to change. Though I was able to "fix" certain things, there are some things I still needed to change that will hopefully change with time, if I ever decide to get off my ass and focus on my problems. Although I broke up with her (3 different times), we always seemed to get back together. We just couldn't let go of each other, and then one day I finally let her go, due to finally accepting she was a fantasy made flesh and we were both experiencing problems inside knowing our relationship was wrong. It wasn't a healthy relationship from the start, and it really saddens me on how long we stayed together. I had a lot of fun with her, but that's just it, "fun."
I look at the philosophy that states you shouldn't have sex before you're married, and can actually agree with it. Why? I look at my past and add up all the consequences I brought forth on myself, just for mere pleasure in relationships that just weren't right that always led to a bunch of stupid consequences. Even though these experiences were somewhat negative in my life, if it wasn't for these relationships, I would have never grown up to where I'm at now in my life. I'm thankful that I've been fortunate enough that I never got anyone pregnant. I'm thankful that I never got any sexually transmitted diseases, well, except for those little crotchal creatures that were a pain! What would my life be like now if I was carrying a disease or if I had a child with someone that I had a one night stand with? What would my life be like now?
So what's the point to this whole story? Observing some of my friends' relationships, I see how depressed they are because of the relationship they are in, and notice what the foundation of their relationship is based on (sex). I see that it really isn't that much different than any of my past relationships. I've heard friends say how heartbroken they are because of the fact they're still dwelling on a past relationship, yet two weeks after the relationship was done with, they were having sex with somebody else. If that's what they think love is, then their in for an emotional ride the rest of their lives! Can you say lust? I'm not here to criticize or point fingers on how they live their lives, because I know I'm not any better than they. All I'm saying is if it is sex you want, then that is your own choice. But if you are truly looking for love, I suggest you/we/I, try a different approach and quit repeating the same cycle that I was/am involved in. Where are you going with your relationship/relationships? What is it that you're looking for? Love? Sexual pleasure that could lead to trouble, emotional stress, mental enslavement, or even death? Is sex the only thing you live for? Yeah, it sucks being alone, and I hate being alone, but are you with your partner because you are lonely, because you truly love/care for them, or are you just looking too satisfy your flesh? This is something that I never thought about, until my life started shifting, but yet..
I've always wanted to find true love, except for the times where we (me and whatever girl) both knew what we both wanted, which was nothing but to satisfy our carnal energy. I think about the times I could have had sex a lot more, and I'm thankful both of us didn't go along with our inner desires. I will admit that I love sex, and that I still think about it (everyday!), and how good it would feel to please my desire, but if I let my flesh get the best of me, where would it all lead? Back to the consequences that I mentioned beforehand, so why take the risk, and why repeat past mistakes?